100 Reasons Why Arsenal Are Better Off Without RvP

1. He is a cunt.

2. He ruined any chance we had of beating Barcelona in 2011 by kicking the ball.

3. His right foot is rubbish.

4. Shaqueel is a stupid name and we don’t want any stupidly named children at The Arsenal.

5. Lukas Podolski’s woman is more attractive than Bouchra.

6. Olivier Giroud is more attractive than Bouchra.

7. He’s not Batman.

8. He’s gone grey, Wayne Rooney wants to fuck him.

9. We haven’t won the league since he joined.

10. The last season we won the league was the last season in which we didn’t have him in the squad.

11. He can’t even score a penalty past David De Gea.

12. We don’t want any other players subjected to Phil Collins music in the dressing room.

13. His accent sounds like he’s sucking on a mint.

14. He’s older than Arsene Wenger.

15. He’s greyer than Arsene Wenger.

16. He’s been accused of rape.

17. We now have the money to trump Sunderland for Steven Fletcher.

18. He’s always injured on FIFA.

19. He’s one friendly against Italy away from having his ankle shat on.

20. He scored less goals at the Euros than Nicklas Bendtner.

21. He scored less goals at the Olympics than Park Chu-Young.

22. He ruined Park Chu-Young’s career by scoring too many goals.

23. He will be a disruptive influence.

24. Cunt.

25. He stained Emmanuel Adebayor’s boots with blood, the inconsiderate bastard.

26. He looks like Donkey.

27. He couldn’t even break Alan Shearer’s goal scoring calendar year record.

28. £24m is pretty decent.

29. His contract further fuels Manchester United’s debt.

30. We didn’t score any more goals against Cologne when he entered the field of play.

31. Our trophy drought has coincided with his Arsenal career.

32. There’s more space in the treatment room.

33. Theo might pass to someone else.

34. Olivier Giroud is far more handsome.

35. He doesn’t want to play for Arsenal anymore, so fuck him.

36. It’s about time someone who wasn’t an arsehole wore Dennis Bergkamp’s famous shirt number.

37. Thierry Henry was right about him.

38. It’ll be amusing to see United fans have to start loving him after years of ‘Robin van Rapist’.

39. Arsene Knows.

40. We now have more of a team ethic.

41. His rating on FIFA is 88, a woeful 55 less than Olivier Giroud and Lukas Podolski’s combined rating.

42. We can start getting rid of those tacky banners.

43. One less transfer saga to give a shit about.

44. Now he’s just somebody that we used to know.

45. One less player managed by Darren Dein playing for The Arsenal.

46. His right leg melts in the sun.

47. Piers Morgan is even more irritable than usual.

48. Arsene Wenger told him to jog on, which is brilliant.

49. He will never have as good a season as 2011/12 again.

50. A 4 year contract on £220k per week for a 29 year old with a poor injury record is ridiculous.

51. When he was unveiled at Highbury he wore hideous trousers.

52. Arsenal is a classy club and he has no class.

53. More potential for egg on the faces of the press when we triumphantly march towards Premier League glory.

54. He’s not Jack Wilshere.

55. Robin ruined the 90s Batman film series.

56. He’s now another person you can vent anger towards on Twitter when you’re in one of those moods.

57. Ankles made of glass.

58. He’s due another bad injury at some point in the next few months.

59. Podolski gets his favourite number 10 shirt.

60. It’s been too long since a Dutch ‘van’ missed a penalty against us at Old Trafford on our way to title glory.

61. Frimpong might say something amusing about the situation on Twitter.

62. No more photoshopped squad photos.

63. His injuries cost us trophies.

64. He doesn’t like lettuce even though lettuce is proper nice in burgers.

65. Thomas Vermaelen gets the armband.

66. He had a rubbish Euros so he’s quite clearly a player in decline.

67. No more arguments as to who is our greatest Dutch player.

68. He might rape someone again.

69. International breaks are no longer the cause of heart attacks.

70. The medical staff can do a happy dance.

71. He is a cunt, still.

72. No more selfish Dutch bastards.

73. His grey hair is making Wenger feel too young, which is causing the manager to throw irresponsible house parties. #ITK

74. We have cheaper medical bills, which means more money to spend on Sebastien Squillaci’s wages.

75. No more tweets from that Bouchra woman pretending to love ‘the Gooner family’.

76. More time on Twitter to look at Ludivine Sagna’s pictures.

77. Marouane Chamakh can be unleashed.

78. He said it’s not about the money, money, money.

79. He made me quote a Jessie J song.

80. He was the chosen one. He was meant to destroy United, not join them.

81. Another opportunity for Spurs fans to make dicks out of themselves – “at least we don’t sell our captain to our rivals”. Sol.

82. He might actually turn out to be a neo-Nazi.

83. Remember that celebration against Chelsea we defended him for? Nazi.

84. He’s an ungrateful little shit.

85. Worst boyhood fan ever.

86. We can get on with our lives.

87. A less egotistical squad.

88. We don’t need Batman, we’ve got Santos.

89. He was a misbehaved child at school and was excluded from class almost daily.

90. He’s been to prison.

91. He cheated on his wife.

92. We now have even more reasons to not want Manchester United to win anything.

93. It’s now cool to hate Sir Alex Ferguson again.

94. We are now almost guaranteed a win at Old Trafford for the first time in fucking ages, just out of karma.

95. He never participated in the Arsenal Twitter Takeovers.

96. Spectators at the Emirates in Row Z are no longer at risk of brain damage from wildly inaccurate free kicks.

97. Lukas Podolski is on penalty duty and Germans never miss penalties.

98. Almost our entire squad from 2010/11 that finished 4th in a 2 horse race has now been sold, the spineless bottlers.

99. Have I mentioned he’s a cunt?

100. Yes.

A big thanks to @MylesBurrell, @robbietk94, @Shakytucker, @AGAmasanti, @ash4arsenal, @memon_arsenal, @BCole90 and @hesfivefootfour for their help in compiling this extensive list. All well worth a follow on Twitter. As for me, I’m @dartfordgooner.